How has it gotten so difficult to write here?

Observers of my blog may have noticed an identity crisis over the past four months or so. First I ditched AKOMISMO to fully embrace my domain name. Then, I ditched that for Outclass (which is actually a title of another project I’m working on).

To be honest, it reflects where I am and how I am these days. Everything feels so tentative. I am not as surefooted as I was before. I feel that I am relearning how to be everything I was over the past four years. It somehow feels like a struggle to meet the standards I’ve set for myself. Those who know me know how confident I am of myself. I have immense self-esteem that at times I border on arrogance and narcissism. All that was gone. Even my ability to take things in stride — wu wei — was lost. By and large, I felt that I couldn’t rely on the one person I’ve relied on most the past years. I became a stranger to myself. How can I write on AKOMISMO when I don’t know who that is?

I don’t need to wonder how it all got to that. The past year has been tougher than I would admit — than I ever admitted. I envisioned a different ending for myself last March, but instead I was handed a different story. I never allowed myself to think of how things would have turned out differently, but I did. I do. All the time. And while I wallowed in the thoughts of my life in another universe, I was letting go of the life I was actually living. In the past four years I believed that if I did my best, my destiny would be revealed. But how can I see it when I am looking elsewhere? What do I expect to see when I refuse to embrace what has been there for me all this time?

The recent economic woes have not been helpful. Over the past months, no degree of idealism or inspiration could save me from the rising prices at the pump. I felt brutally unextraordinary. It has made my “vocation” less viable. It was bad enough to lose a dream, but getting nearly flat broke only made me long for another life. It took me a whole two months to balance the budget, so to speak. Now I am glad to say the burden — and my mood — is getting a little lighter.

However, this will be no paean to the teaching profession. I am not about to conclude that I am a teacher now and always. Whenever I am asked whether I see myself teaching forever, I answer with an unwavering no. And yet, whenever I enter the classroom, all doubts are cast aside. It is not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me. It’s all about action. It’s about becoming the path we choose.

I will always have dreams. The day will come when my ambitions will call me to go elsewhere. I am taking the past year as a challenge to reevaluate my goals and everything I do to accomplish them. Meanwhile, I will not be blind to that destiny revealed to me. I am now the custodian of an entire batch. I am blessed to have club members devoted to everything we’re set out to do. If ever I lose faith in myself, I know that I will never lose faith in them.

Thus I turn this page once again, not for them but for me. For I feel the trust they have all placed in me, and such faith deserves to be rewarded. I’ve always been a writer. The feeling of not being able to write in your own blog is disconcerting at the least. In many ways, this blog is for posterity.

Above all, it is for sanity.

P.S. This song helped save me. “Angels on the Moon” by Thriving Ivory.

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2 thoughts on “How has it gotten so difficult to write here?

  1. Hey Martin,

    Some consider that feeling akin to the desire of reigniting the passion of one’s first love. Whether that be in faith, your vocation or even in blogging. A worthy pursuit. Only, in doing so, you realise that you yourself have changed in that time, and that maybe it can never the same as before.. but perhaps even better.

    You’re doing well… keep it going.

    Maybe you have shared this video before, by the late randy pausch.

    My prayer is that you find the passion of your first love. May it be better this time round.

    Chino

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